


Po'ele'ele

by CowandCalf



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Coda 9.10, Danny is the only person Steve trusts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 10:58:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CowandCalf/pseuds/CowandCalf
Summary: Joe dies in Steve's arms and Steve's world turns black.





	Po'ele'ele

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N**  
> 
> I'm still processing the outcome of 9.10. The last scene with Steve and Joe under the Ponderosa Pine has churned me up in a way that I still feel this pain. I've found a post on a blog on Tumblr [(check it out)](https://cowandcalf.tumblr.com/post/181041935373/steve-needs-time-after-joes-death-he-cant) and I had immediately an image of a grieving Steve in my head. I wrote a short ficlet to this gif in that post. But since that day this idea turns in endless loops in my head. I had to get back to this idea to flesh it out, to create a proper coda for 9.10 according to my flash of an idea for this moment. Especially after all the promo pic with Steve and his beard appeared on my dash. The most important thing I need to happen in my coda for Steve is that Danny is there for him. I so need Danny to be there for Steve to help him through this pain. That's the main reason I went back to this little ficlet.
> 
> So, this is it. My Coda for 9.10.
> 
> This story is unbeated. I can't wait to post this story because it burns under my skin, such an extraordinary feeling. I fly without a parachute and I haven't even informed my beta, my great friend, Indie. I haven't posted an unbetaed story in such a long time but I really can't wait and I need to get it out. I hope have caught all typos. I apologize for all remaining mistakes and the way I might have mixed up the proper sentence structure.
> 
> **Po'ele'ele** = Period of Darkness
> 
> **Disclaimer**  
>  I don't own the show or the characters. No money is made from my stories. I write for fun and I only claim plot points.
> 
> Thank you so much, my precious readers, for all your support, for all the love and for the time you present me when you drop by to read my story. You know how much this rocks my world. Mahalo to all of you and I love you all!

Steve needs time after Joe's death. He can't – he can't just go back. He's not ready yet to meet the team. He doesn't have the strength to deal with people and all the worried looks – the questions. He can't. His world has stopped turning when Joe died in his arms.

He refuses to see anybody. He agrees on a medical team to collect the dead bodies. Junior has organized the medical evac and he has given Steve his word that no one will ask questions. Everyone has been briefed by him personally. Steve trusts him and relies upon his word. 

He knows they also need to take care of Joe's body. Steve would have wanted to let him sit under his Ponderosa Pine forever to make it possible that he sees his beloved sunset every evening. He can't make any decisions in his grief-stricken state. Steve keeps his shaking under control when he watches the crew following Noelani's orders to close the body bag over Joe's peaceful face. No one looks in his direction, nobody seeks contact. Steve silently thanks Junior for his care, for the way he respects his wishes and for the way he has made sure everyone follows his orders. Steve has been assured that they wait until he returns to discuss the circumstances of Joe's and Cole's funeral.

Joe's baseball cap is clutched to his left hand. He holds his horse's reins loosely between his fingers. Steve stands aloof from all others. His grief is private. He watches, cut off from life, unable to find his footing in this darkness that licks into his mind, spreading wide and fast into his body.

He still stands rooted to the same spot long after the medical team has left. His horse waits patiently, eating grass by his side. The sun sets again and Steve waits, watches – watches one more time for Joe, sucking in the beauty of the colors of the rainbow generously dispersed on the evening sky. The baseball cap is crumpled up between his cold fingers. He turns eventually to ride back to Joe's ranch. His whole body is stiff, aching with the aftermath of the final battle.

Steve needs… there's just one, who would… the comfort he seeks, he needs it, longs for it… there's only one person who's able to understand him. There's only one person who knows what Steve needs.

Danny.

Steve needs Danny to help him find the light again. There's too much darkness now. Steve can't feel his heartbeat anymore.

He doesn't shave, he doesn't eat much. He doesn't sense when his body temperature starts to drop, not knowing how to find his way back to the point where stuff makes sense; to a point where life isn't cruel and takes away everything with a deep meaning. The numbness of his grief has taken over, eats away the possibility to feel and Steve is thankful for this. The freezing cold has found its way into his soul. His hands are dirty, his knuckles are chapped – and he doesn't care. The blood from the fight has turned into a dried crust on his face. He hasn't showered since that day.

He only talks to Danny. There have been a few phone calls. Steve can hardly remember the voices because he's hung up the moment it hasn't been Danny's soothing vocal pitch he longs for. Steve can't deal with anyone else but Danny. Danny's voice is his true north, his soul perks up and forces him to listen. Now he waits. Steve closes his tired eyes, ignoring the cold track from a sole tear long dried in his beard. The heat of the fire seems miles away, not reaching him. The coldness of the night clings to him like a wet, heavy blanket.

He spends quiet, long, shapeless hours by the small fire with a stray dog that has found the way to the ranch. The animal has appeared two days ago, and it doesn't leave his side. Whenever Steve falls asleep on the freezing ground during the night the dog licks his face at one point to wake him. Two stranded souls bound together, trying to survive out of different reasons.

Steve sits and waits in the cold outside, consumed by his inner darkness and surrounded by the darkness of the night lit by flames, unable to move, unable to let his exhausted body rest… unable to look after himself.

It hurts – so much, still.

Danny's going to be here within twenty hours. He has promised. He's begged Steve to hold it together until he's there until he can catch him, hold on to him, being his anchor. Danny has needed his word, he has made Steve swear that he won't give up. He won't.

Steve waits and his breath hitches, the sound shaky and wet at times, uneven. A lonely sound that hangs in the air unusually rigid next to the soft rustling of dry leaves and a few stray calls from nocturnal animals. The cold wind bites his cheeks and hurts his nose. Steve stares into the flames and holds it together.

The tremor in his limbs is a constant companion that has appeared the moment Joe exhaled for the last time. Steve can still feel his friend's head tucked under his chin and his weight leaning heavy into him. His arms twitch as if he wants to pull Joe into his chest as if he wants to hold him upright. Steve shakes violently whenever he recalls this cruel moment when he looked at the sunset, answering Joe's last question only to feel how his friend and mentor went limp in his arms, realizing he's gone.

He was so heavy, so lifeless but still so warm – Steve couldn't let go… for so long, he just couldn't. His arms gripped Joe's body hard, desperate but Steve knew, he was no more. He left him. Forever. He just – 

Steve's heart cramps painfully. He disappears into a corner of his mind. He escapes to a place where he can't feel. He can't stand this. Steve isn't ready. He waits and forces this pain away, only to return into a body that feels strangely unfamiliar. 

The night is pitch black, shadows dances around the fire. Steve's vision is frayed, dots caused by the sparks of burning wood bounce before his eyes. He ignores the upcoming tears and the snot that runs down his nose. He doesn't swallow for a long time.

Danny will be here soon. Steve will make it through this night. Danny is going to be here tomorrow. Steve scratches the devoted stray dog absentmindedly behind his ears. His head rests on his thigh, a weight that always pokes his attention disturbingly when the dog moves and rubs against his leg. Steve is lost in thoughts. His feet are cold, but he stays put in the same position.

He listens to the crackling sound of the fire and stares into the flames.

Steve waits for Danny with his hand buried in the dog's fur.

The sun rises again. Steve's body shivers hard. He's undergoing acute hypothermia and the dog's tongue hurts his roughened skin. He has passed out at some point, curled up in a hard ball.

He stumbles into the house. The dog follows closely on his heels. His hand hurts where his furry friend has bitten him hard enough to push him into waking up, to force him to move. Steve isn't hungry, but he doesn't want to be responsible for another death. His movements are terribly uncoordinated. The first bowl slips from his clumsy, stiff fingers and cracks into pieces when it falls onto the hard-wooden floor. Steve shoves the dog aside to protect him from getting cut. He finds canned meatballs. He washes off the sauce before he heaps the whole portion into a new bowl and feeds his hungry friend.

Steve can't be in the cabin. It's a terrible mess. The floor is covered in empty shells, splintered wood, and broken furniture. It's a war zone. All the cars are gutted by fire. They are black wrecks scattered in the yard. He stumbles out of the house, away from vivid memories of cries and Joe's voice, away from screams and explosions, away from the nasty sound when metal pierces human flesh. Away from the moment where they have lost Cole. Steve staggers past the image of his friend's dead body and remembers what Joe said about his ashes and his last wish. Junior will take care of that, too.

Steve retches up a sob, hating the sound of his voice. He groans under the strain of holding _everything_ together in that small, steely spot somewhere in his body. He can't – not now, _not without Danny_ … he doesn't know how. Steve's loud, high, single wail leaves a crack in the crisp morning air. It appears so sudden like a whip sound and it hurts his ears.

The dog comes running out of the cabin and barks nervously. Steve tries to calm him by patting his back while he hums in the depth of his throat to gain back control. He bites his tongue so hard. Not now – _please, not now_ – Danny… Steve clenches his jaw. He snarls under the strain to will back this pain and he digs his hands into fur. He rubs his face against the dog's head. It helps.

Steve slumps back onto the ground in front of the remains of the fire and closes his eyes. Danny will find him there. Steve tips to the side, his body a heap of limbs with too much tension in his muscles. He shakes like a leaf, but he can't help his body to warm up. He needs to wait for Danny. He shuts his burning eyes sensing how the dog curls up next to him, close and protective. Steve shoves his shaking hands under the dog's body and buries his face in his fur.

 

"Steve, please, please. Oh god, please wake up."

Steve hears Danny's voice like a soft echo in a dream. The sound is like a stone thrown into a lake with a surface smooth as glass. It sets something in motion, irrevocably, answering with the law of nature.

"Babe, please, wake up. I've got you, babe. I'm here, I'm here. Steve."

Danny's voice sounds strange, so thin and full of soft whispers. There are warm fingers carefully stroking Steve's skin. He senses a pair of warm hands cupping his tired face. Steve wakes with a jolt and stares at Danny wild-eyed. He paws at his chest, trying to hold onto Danny's jacket, desperate to make sure Danny is real, that Danny has found him. Steve grabs pieces of clothing but his hands are not following his orders. Steve's lips are chafed. He murmurs words he can't hear in his ears.

Danny – so close, by his side. Danny has come. He crouches down next to Steve on the dirty ground, manhandling him into a sitting position. Steve's body shakes fiercely. Danny holds his face between his hands. He needs a moment to gain back focus, blinking confused and with his arms already outstretched. Steve clings to Danny, crawls towards him because Danny has always been his safe place. He holds on to him like a drowning man and pulling him close. Danny talks and Steve gasps, and he wants to say so much at the same time, but he can't find the words. He digs his face into Danny's solid hold of his palms, shuffling towards him, his face scrunched up with relief.

"Yes, it's really me. I'm here, Steve. But please, babe, you have to sit up. Jesus. Why are your hands so cold? God, have you been sitting all this time outside? We have to warm you up. Please." Danny fumbles the zipper from his jacket open and shoves Steve's hands into the warmth of his body. Steve realizes that he's not the only one trembling.

Danny taps his arms, his chest. He rubs over his shoulders and asks repeatedly if Steve's okay if he's hurt. Steve can't answer. He only tugs at Danny shirt with this new pain in his hands because they finally warm up, firmly tucked under Danny's jacket. Danny's fingers skitter over his face, where they linger a moment longer on his chin covered by his beard, to move further up to his head. Steve wears Joe's baseball cap and Danny instinctively knows that he can't take it off. He checks Steve for injuries and he asks him questions, but Steve hasn't talked much the last few days. He has tried to keep everything inside. He has no clue how to get it out now. He only shakes his head to answer Danny's questions about injuries.

All that Steve sees is a pair of blue eyes, filled with worries, love, and safety. Danny looks pale and exhausted, but his hands are so warm.

"Danny – " Steve croaks. "Danny, I – " His voice breaks.

"I've got you, Steve. I'm here." Danny gathers him in his arms right there kneeling in the dirt. "Where does this dog belong?"

Steve shakes his head. "It's okay, Steve. Later, we talk later." Danny's strong arms are looped around him and he all but sags into this safety of Danny's embrace, finally giving in. "We need to go inside, Steve. We have to warm you up. Your body is freezing cold, babe." Danny moves to get up but Steve scoots closer.

"Danny," Steve chokes on feelings.

"I've got you, babe. I'm so sorry, so, so sorry." Danny's arms are circled around his back, holding on tight. "I'm so sorry, I couldn't be here sooner." He murmurs into his ear, rocking both of them silently.

Steve rubs his face into the curve of Danny's warm neck.

Danny brings the light and so much warmness. Steve shivers harder with his body finally giving in to the survival code. It wants to shake Steve back to life.

With the warmness comes the awakening of what Steve has kept dormant with the sheer force of his will. Steve senses it with every nerve ending. He crawls deeper into Danny's hug.

"Steve, I'm here. I've got you. Let go. I've got you." Danny knows, and he tucks Steve to his chest, being his rock, not moving an inch away.

Steve still fights the pain, but it bucks inside of him.

It tears his soul open, crashes through this steely box that kept him sane during the time he has waited for Danny. But there's a rip now. Danny has come for him and Steve knows, it safe to fall because Danny catches him.

His grief spills in gushes into his body, thick, vicious and consuming. He's scared but the strength left him to hold it back any longer. Steve's grief over losing Joe needs a place and he's forced to finally _feel_.

There are no words and no tears at first but Steve keens with a sore voice. The wails escape his throat like cramps. The wailing rises and subsides in waves. Danny just holds him in his arms and rubs his back to ease some of the pain. Steve's wrecked sobs shake his body. His tears burn hot on his cold face. The dog howls frightened at times never going far. Danny gives him the time he needs. The cold is a constant ache now, something Steve hadn't realized before. His body awakes with the admitting of his sorrow.

"Let's head inside, babe. I'll fix you something to eat and then let's check the shower and the running water. You could need a shower and a set of fresh clothes." Danny stands up and pulls Steve onto his feet.

Steve's arms don't want to let go yet. He yanks Danny into another hug. His breathing hasn't calmed down yet.

"It's going to be okay, Steve. We'll move on, somehow. We'll always find a way." Danny's warm face feels hot against his throat. Steve hears it in Danny's voice, the shock to find Steve in this condition.

"Thank you for coming, Danny." The tiredness attacks him out of the blue. Steve could fall asleep standing upright.

"Always, babe." Danny kisses his cheek. "I'll always come for you, Steve, you know that."

Steve leans heavy into Danny when they slowly walk back to the porch. The dog follows them naturally.

Danny shoves Steve into the bathroom and orders him to take a shower. He makes sure Steve has a towel and informs him that he's in the kitchen to try to find some food. Danny goes and even fetches him his clean clothes from his bag. Steve's world starts to spin again and under the warm jet of water, his heart beats a steady rhythm. A bowl of hot soup waits for him on the table after the shower. Steve has washed off all the remains of the fight. It feels good to be clean again. The shower marks a new start, where something old has been washed away to give a new energy some space.

Steve eats slowly because he's still trembling slightly. He's not hungry but his body needs the calories and the warmth. And he eats it also for Danny who sits across the table. They eat in silence and Danny covers the back of Steve's hand with his and wraps his fingers protectively around Steve's hand. The chill still claws at his bones. The grief is a fierce thumping ache in his body now. Steve turns his hand to interlace their fingers, holding on tight and to catch Danny's confirming soft look. Steve sustains the pain because he can't get lost again, not with Danny right beside him.

Steve can't pretend anymore that he's fine. He drags his exhausted body to the couch where the dog already waits for him to sleep next to him on the floor, always staying close. Steve fondles his head and runs his hands through his thick fur. Danny brings him a fluffy woolen blanket and drapes it over his shoulders. Steve clutches the corner of the blanket and pulls it close around his body. He turns his head and looks at Danny who sits so close that their thighs are pressed together. Steve feels weak with all the warmth seeping into his body and his heart. They don't speak with words. Danny's eyes tell him everything he needs to know. Steve sighs and falls forward to bury his face in Danny's shoulder.

"I didn't want you to know because you were together with Gracie." He mumbles into Danny's chest. "I'm sorry, Danny. I didn't mean to leave you in the dark. I did what I thought was best for you. I wanted to protect you." He sighs when Danny pulls him closer.

"I know, babe, I know. We'll talk tomorrow. I love you. Try to get some sleep, Steve. I'm here." Danny's fingers card through his hair and massage his head. "I always will be here, babe."

Steve nods and lifts his head. Danny kisses his lips softly and Steve answers his kiss with the same tenderness. He knows Danny watches over his sleep. He's safe. Steve's out cold the moment his head sinks into the soft pillow.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Find me on [Tumblr](https://cowandcalf.tumblr.com/)


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